June 10th, 2019:
We finally got to take our girls ashes home. It took almost 6 weeks, but they are with us again. I can’t bring myself to look inside, its just too much right now. The mortuary’s hours of operation and location in Riverside limited the days we could actually go and pick them up.
It was overwhelming seeing them in a small plastic urn no larger than my hand. The last time we saw the girls we were holding them in our arms, not in our hands. Now we need to pick out a beautiful urn to be their final resting place. There aren’t very many options online for urns that represent twins, or any kind of multiples, which was disappointing. There isn’t much of a market for it, so that’s a good thing.
June 13th, 2019
This was my final visit to my doctor for my 6 week check up. I went in trying to act normal, because I knew how challenging these visits can be. I really didn’t expect the room that the nurse brought me into was going to trigger me.
It was the last room I was in when I was pregnant at that office. It was the room where I knew something was wrong with my body. That my stomach was too big and my body was incredibly uncomfortable. So as the nurse was talking and asking me questions, I was reminded of that day. I tried not to, but I cried.
As for my recovery, everything is healed. My scar looks good, and she gave me an exam. My doctor was very sweet and understanding, and genuinely cared about my mental health and how I was handling everything. I told her I had plans to see a therapist, since she was worried about my depression. I also had concerns about the incision on my uterus, sometimes I can feel a tugging sensation when I twist wrong or over extend. She says this is normal and will take time for the feeling to go away, if it does at all. That’s really not the worse thing I have to live with the rest of my life.
And to get real personal, (like we haven’t been doing that already?) I have officially started my period. It is shark week. For some reason that’s the nail on the head telling me that this pregnancy is over. My body is done and has moved on. But my mind isn’t ready, so there’s my dilemma.
For now, we are planning the girls memorial. I want it to be a celebration of life, because they are so amazing and in their short time here they touched so many lives in positive ways. I’m framing photos, putting shadow boxes together, and gathering other mementos and things for their little shrine.
I honestly didn’t realize the extent of pain some of my family members were going through and how the girls passing really affected them. So to honor my family, and to have a place that they can visit to pray and see the girls, we decided to get a headstone and plot at our local cemetery. It might take us a while, but we are doing it. I wanted the girls to be with us, even if we moved, but there needed to be a place that family can visit when they want to.
Its been tough to say the least. But we will make it through, one day at a time. Stay tuned.