postpartum

The picture above shows the only dress they wore. It was big enough to where they both fit. They were so cute and perfect. The fabric in the background is the receiving blanket I made. I used pages out of The Wind in the Willows and The Princess and the Frog to stamp their footprints on.

Saying that this wasn’t going to be easy is an understatement. I’m a very go with the flow, take things as they come, “I’m fine I can do this” type of person. Even with each bad piece of news we received over and over, I tried to remain positive. I was naive. And I was protecting myself subconsciously, not being able to comprehend what was coming in my immediate future.

But this.

My grief is immeasurable.

My heartbreak insurmountable.

I have not known such pain, nor was I prepared for it. Who could be? I knew the statistics, and I came to accept that my babies wouldn’t live for very long. But there was still a tiny part of me that hoped for more. We tried for a baby, and even through everything and finding out we were having two with low odds of survival, we still wanted them. I hope they know that they were wanted.

Each day that passes brings about new challenges, each different. I’m currently just trying to figure out how to navigate it all. The initial shock and realization of everything that has happened hit me a few days after their birth, when we got home. I felt empty, literally and figuratively. For a while it felt like I could still feel them kick. Like phantom kicks, but it was just gas from my shrinking uterus. Even in my grief, it was difficult to really cry at first, or even laugh or breath. My diaphragm was completely shot for almost a week. Looking back, even this early on, makes me feel guilty that I couldn’t even grieve or cry properly for them. 

Don’t get me started on the guilt. Being a parent naturally brings a sense of guilt. Every parent has felt it or will carry it with them for the rest of their lives. But for me there will always be a very tiny piece of my heart that will hold that guilt. Maybe I’ll get over it, and I’ll learn to live with it. But it will always be there. And that’s ok. 

I am grateful that Willow and Evangelene survived birth, and we were able to hold them while they were still alive. Even if it was for a short time. There are parents who couldn’t say that they were able to do even that.

For now I’m giving myself time to feel anything that I need to, and at some point I will talk to a professional about it. But for me its too early and I still need time to process. Right now while I’m healing all I have is time. 

Their birth does not mark the end of our journey. Please stay tuned.