in memoriam

July 1st, 2019

The day of our beautiful twin girl’s memorial.

Their service was at my in laws church, and it was perfect. They had a Catholic ceremony in both English and Spanish, and it maybe lasted about an hour. I wrote the program, which included their obituary. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write, and I wanted to get it just right. No parent should have to write their own child’s obituary. Their urn was blessed, and the priest gave us comfort.

After the service we gathered at one of our local parks to eat and visit. I got to see family I haven’t seen in years, possibly a decade, so that was nice. It really just went by so fast, I barely had time to sit down and eat. The smell of bbq was in the air, and I ordered some cute mini cupcakes from a local bakery called Parden My French. I wanted the atmosphere to emulate a celebration of life, because the girls lives are truly something to celebrate. So I opted for bright floral arrangements and salmon colored accents. I encouraged people not to wear black. The park was filled with children’s laughter and old acquaintances chattering. The girls passing has weighed heavy on my heart, so this was a must needed form of closer. Its not in any way a form of closer for me. But I know my friends and family needed this to move forward, and that’s ok.

I really appreciate every single person that came, from family members and friends to complete strangers that wanted to pay their respects. It was amazing to see just how many lives the girls touched in their brief time on this earth. I am truly grateful for those people and their support.

July 2nd, 2019

This was your true due date. When life was bliss, and a healthy pregnancy and birth was on the horizon. My brain can’t even fathom this concept anymore. Thinking about what could have happened, or was “supposed” to happen. I can’t let my mind go there, its just too hard. And in any case, what did happen is exactly what was supposed to happen. If I’m honest with myself though, this really doesn’t give me much comfort right now. I just wanted more time with them. What really sucks is that they have taught me so much about life and love, but I didn’t get the chance to teach them anything.

In a way, I did teach them about life and love. About family. About sacrifice. The difference is that I get to spread it to people here on earth. Hopefully I can make them proud.

When you pay attention, children are our greatest teachers.

Stay tuned.

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