out of time

I started writing this post almost two weeks ago, and didn’t finish for obvious reasons.

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April 17th, 2019:

I forgot to mention that along with our last ultrasound at the prenatal center I also had a doctors appointment that day with my OBGYN. This time it was with Dr. Morgan, who is very engaging and I hadn’t seen her since before we knew we were having two babies. We listened to the girl’s heartbeat and she captured the rhythm shown in the picture above. I told her about some recent symptoms I had been having and she also reminded me to keep track of my kick counts. One of the things that concerned her was the frequency of my braxton hicks contractions, especially because I couldn’t remember how many I was getting within an hour. From that appointment on I’ve been trying to pay more attention to my body, instead of what I usually do which is just ignoring it until I really feel like crap. Little did I know that this information was going to help me in the very near future. 

Easter weekend after this appointment was a tipping point. My braxton hicks contractions were becoming too frequent and I couldn’t feel the girls moving as much as they normally do. I waited it out until Tuesday, in which I made an appointment with my doctor.

April 23rd, 2019:

I just want to say that I wouldn’t have made this appointment unless I thought something was really wrong. My doctor did a quick ultrasound, made sure I wasn’t dilated, and did an exam similar to a pap smear to see if my body had released a chemical signaling my body to give birth. 

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In a nutshell, that same day I went to my local hospital for non-stress tests and contraction monitoring and stayed overnight. Giving the girls the best chance of survival, I was pumped full of fluids and given two steroid shots in the bum in the event they were born early. The steroids were to help their lungs. My contractions continued over the course of the weekend as well as not being able to feel the girls as much. This didn’t feel right to me, so my husband and I went to UCLA Sunday night for a checkup. After staying overnight and given more fluids and now magnesium, to help with the girls brain development, everything came to head. My body couldn’t continue any longer. My uterus had too much fluid, I was at risk of uterine rupture and preterm labor, and my contractions were too frequent. Not to mention the toll of everything else that had wreaked havoc on my body, it was time to let go. We needed a few more days to get our things in order and to have family ready for the delivery. I knew we wouldn’t have too much time with the girls, so I was adamant about my close relatives being there.

My heart is broken and I am forever changed, but we know what happens next.